A Personal Essay
I snapped this photo April 3rd, 2016 on my way to a client meeting, almost 12 years after moving to this city. A symbol of strength, hope, growth, glamour, resilience, New Yorkers, America, freedom, and a will to stand up to terrorism.
Terrorism is nothing new. It’s been a facet of my life since high school. As a sophomore in high school, sitting in a journalism class, I couldn’t quite comprehend a plane hitting one of the twin towers. Somehow in my mind I imagined it had clipped the building and continued flying. Our journalism teacher let us listen to coverage on NPR, but by the time I reached geometry class, it was back to business as usual. As if we could quickly box up our emotions, push them to the side, and move on with our day. Once I had time to reflect, realized the gravity of the situation, and reality started to sink in. My uncle worked across the street from the twin towers and he was unreachable for several hours that day, as cell lines were jammed. Fortunately, he reached out that evening to let us know he was safe from this act of terror, but the world as I once knew it was changed forever.
That summer, I was due to travel to Europe with my classmates. It would be my first big adventure, and the thought of it being canceled was devastating. Fortunately my teacher had the attitude that I would later adopt. While somewhat nervous and hesitaant to take 30 teenages to Europe, she decided to move forward with the trip, and not let terrorism change our plans. Despite our bus hitting a bridge, a flat tire on a plane, and a spare tire crashing through the windshield on the Auto Bahn, there were no issues of terrorism on that trip!
The terrorist attacks on the twin towers also did not deter me from taking residence in a dormitory just a few blocks away from Ground Zero a few years later when I was a freshman at Pace University. My mother wanted me to stay local for college, but I argued with her that Ground Zero was one of the safest places on earth post 9-11. Crime statistics and the strong security forces lining the streets of downtown Manhattan, convinced me it was a safer environment than the campuses of schools in inner-city St. Louis. I won that battle, and moved to New York in the Fall of 2004.
It wasn’t in New York where I experienced terrorism first hand. It was while I was spending the summer in London after completing my first year of college. Still only 18 years old, and with limited world experience, I hadn’t developed all of my street smarts at this point. I ventured out to see a few sights on my own during the six week trip. One of my bucket list items was the Tower of London (and it should probably be on everyone’s bucket list). Due to a schedule change, I went to see it on Tuesday, July 5th 2005. Had this fortuitous change of plans not occurred, I would have been heading to the Tube on Thursday July 7th, 2005 around the time of the bombings. Luckily I was safe in my unfurnished London flat with no television.
That morning was chaotic. My flatmate had lived in lower Manhattan during the 9-11 attack, so this affected her a little more deeply. Clearly renewing pain and fear that she never quite recovered from. We did have a landline in the flat, so I decided it would be best to call my mother before she woke to hear the news back in the states. I remembered the unsettling feelings while we awaited news that my uncle was safe just a few years before. She was not pleased when I decided to move to New York City for college, and she was even less pleased when I told her I wouldn’t be home for the summer due to this extended stay in London. I was hysterically crying by the time I called my mother to wake her in the middle of the night. I let her know I was safe. She let me know she had no idea what I was talking about or why I called her in the middle of the night to wake her. It was still the middle of the night in St. Louis, and she didn’t have a clue about the events taking place in London that morning. By the time the news spread across the US, my mom was equipped with the news that I was in my flat in London safe from the chaos, and easily shared the news with friends and family as they called her. Remember, this was 2005, Facebook was in its infancy. My mom and sister didn’t even have accounts yet! This was when it was college students only! Now Facebook offers a feature allowing people in disaster struck areas to check in with a click to let friends and family members across the globe know they are safe.
The rest of my time in London was pretty somber. There were memorials and investigations. We avoided tourist attractions and major travel for the remainder of our stay. I was relieved to return to New York, my new home. I thought I would feel safe and free again after feeling rather confined during my last few days in London. Unfortunately, the terror stuck with me, and the terrorists were winning. While they say lightning doesn’t strike twice, the World Trade Center was bombed in 1993, prior to the major 2001 attacks. I hadn’t previously feared another major attack in lower Manhattan, but at this point, anything seemed possible in my mind.
My newest fear was the NYC Subway system. NYC was on high terror alert, and police had set up card tables in many police stations to check the bags of passengers, mostly through racial profiling. Unfortunately, these measures were lacking, and I did not feel safe at all. It would have been very easy for a terrorist to have made an attack during this time period, while we supposedly had our highest level of security in action. I walked from Manhattan’s Upper East Side to TriBeCa for work every day for two weeks. For those of you who don’t know Manhattan geography, that’s about a 5 mile walk.
Eventually I admitted to myself that I could not keep this up. I had to make a choice, and I chose to live without fear. That doesn’t mean I threw caution to the wind. I am still my same Type A self, who worries about being late, always carries an umbrella, and plans vacations in advance. That experience in London changed me forever, but it helped me decide who I wanted to become as a person. It was on those hot August days that I realized, I would be a New Yorker (I am happy to say 12 years later, I have finally earned that badge). I was a resident of one of the greatest cities on earth, and I was going to live my life. Sure, I take precautions. Once I resumed subway transportation in the summer of 2005, I made a few practical changes. I only wore closed toed shoes on the subway. Can you imagine evacuating a subway car and walking down those rat filled tunnels for safety? Think like a survivor…surviving is a given in this mindset, but having rats nibble on my feet would really mess with my psyche. I also always made sure to have a bottle of water and a snack in my bag, as many survivors could end up trapped for several hours depending on the severity of incidences. These are a few changes I’ve made to help embrace my choice to live but also increase comfort and my sanity in the rare case I experience one of these emergencies. It is just like when I zip my purse, walk along the best lit streets later at night, avoid eye contact with crazy people on the subway. I take precautions, but I haven’t stopped living in the city I love or traveling to the places I want to love.
While this was the choice that was right for me, I won’t judge others who have different comfort levels. Traveling is not a vacation if you spend your days riddled with fear and anxiety. My mother discussed a potential trip to New York this year. It would be her third since I moved here 12 years ago. The only other two times she made the trip were for my graduations. Unfortunately after the Paris bombings in November 2015, she decided she did not feel safe traveling to cosmopolitan areas. I respect her decision, and hopefully she respects mine.
After the bombings in Brussels, people asked me if I would still travel. I am expected in Switzerland for a wedding this summer. If I choose to let fear dictate my life, I would stay home and send a lovely gift. Instead, I am preparing to travel, but with precautions. I cannot control everything, but I’ve decided to use this trip to get in touch with nature and take a break from the hustle and bustle of city life. I’ll be visiting the Swiss Alps and the Irish Countryside. Hopefully you’ll find me resting on a four post bed in a castle at some point. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with visiting major european cities, and I encourage travelers worldwide to continue fulfilling your travel dreams while traveling smarter (see six tips here!). Do not let acts of terror stop you from living your life. We are still the lucky ones, we have the opportunity to move around the free world, and travel with relative ease. We must appreciate and take advantage of this great privilege while it still exists.
**I was hesitant to publish this piece. I didn’t know if it fit in with the vibe of my blog, or where to categorize it. After speaking with a Belgian national expressing her thoughts and fears after the recent Belgian bombings, I decided to share my story. We see a lot of articles about traveling despite terrorism to the point that they are cliche. I simply wanted to share my experience to hopefully bring comfort to those most recently affected by terrorism and encourage them to take their time, find themselves, and hopefully make the decisions that make themselves feel most comfortable. I live every day knowing today could be the day that something happens in NYC. However, I am more worried that today might be the day I get hit by one of those delivery cyclists who obey absolutely 0 traffic laws. And finally, a special thank you to the men and women who work hard to keep our cities safe and care for those injured by terrorism and other disasters.
I’m sorry you had to go through all those and I feel proud for you that you choose not to let these things hinder you from traveling. Terrorism is everywhere and if we let it affect our lives and stop living the way we want to then they have won! Terrorists will only win if we let them.
It’s extremely saddening though to see all these news. Lives lost in such senseless, hateful acts. 🙁
Thank you for your kind words. I agree, every time it happens it is another time of sadness. And with social media connecting the globe, we all know someone who knows someone…It’s very hard to hear of this happening time after time and getting more and more personal each time.
I feel like wherever we are there could be some kind of danger, I live in a place right now in the subarctic which could literally be called the middle of nowhere and seems kind of like a safe little bubble, from terrorism at least, but there are forest fires, icy roads that aren’t salted, blizzards, old pick up trucks and people driving without licenses, and the train that leads to the nearest community once derailed from a mudslide but I choose not to focus on the danger here, or when I am travelling. I agree with you that we can’t let fear rule our lives – because we could literally find something to be afraid of wherever we are.
All we can do is prepare. So take some time to make sure you are always as prepared as you can be for whatever adventures you choose to take on! I’ve already been in 3 cab accidents in NY, so I always wear a seatbelt. Others laugh and make fun, some join me. But it’s just another choice I make each day to try to protect myself.
Thanks for sharing! I agree it’s important to be weary, yet not let our fear get in the way of new experiences. I, too, was in close brush with the bombings in London. I was part of my school’s art trip to London, Paris and Venice and literally left that very morning of the bombing. It saddens me that I have so much to share about places I’ve been before yet may not be safe to go to right now (such as Turkey and Egypt). Thoughts like “What if one of my readers or clients go with my advice and gets hurt?” crosses my mind. Maybe it’s about travelling smarter and then stories of happy memories can permeate and dissipate the fear…
Thanks for sharing – it’s tough to watch all of these acts, but even tougher to live it. As another one who has lived in NYC and London (and very close to the recent attacks in Paris) I know it can be a bit scary at times, but I can’t imagine a world where we let it stop us from seeing and exploring.
We were planning a trip to Morocco when the Tunisia terrorist attacks occurred and being that it was pretty close after Paris, we both agreed we felt just a little too uncomfortable at the time, to continue pursuing a Morocco trip. We’re still planning on going, we just decided to wait a bit so I think it’s all up what you feel most comfortable doing and I’ll always push for people to travel, maybe just somewhere they *feel* safer. 🙂
Exactly. I’m not afraid of being in NYC for the marathon. I dread it because I work weekends, and makes getting to/from clients a nightmare. I respect my mom’s decision not to come though. She is nervous, and rightfully so. Big cities are not her thing, it’s a big event. I told her to postpone until she’s ready, and we’ll make it happen then. Until then, I’ll be traveling to Missouri…or some other destinations if I can get her to meet me somewhere fun. We all have to find our comfort zones. I knew walking 5 miles to/from work wasn’t an option, and I had to make a choice. I try to live close to work to avoid the subways as much as possible, but I’d blame that mostly on the overcrowding and the stench.
I’m a New Yorker who lived through 9/11. I now live in Amsterdam and it was horrifying to watch Brussels unfold. I enjoyed this post until the end. I disagree with you suggesting traveling smarter in relation to terrorist attacks. All the people traveling through Brussels traveled smartly, but they were the victims of a terrorist attack en route to travels and work. We cannot live in fear, but I suggest rephrasing your post to not link together these two posts as I personally found linking the two posts offensive. Terrorism doesn’t spare “smart travelers” over the rest.
You’re right, being prepared won’t save you. It won’t increase your chances of survival one bit. But I like to use a survivor mentality. I’m going to plan for what happens if I survive the unthinkable. If I am trapped somewhere for hours, I’d like to know I have some basic necessities with me. Just like I wear my seat belt in cabs, lock my front door, and keep my wallet at the bottom of my purse zipped, I’m going to make sure I am prepared for a worst case scenario. I still tell friends where I am going when I have dates, including the guy’s name and cell phone, and maybe a picture. Being prepared IS smart. It can’t solve our problems or stop terrorism, but it can help decrease some of the anxiety around it, especially for our loved ones who also worry about us (sometimes more than we worry ourselves!)
Wow, thanks for sharing your very personal fear and story. I’m glad you found a way to live with it and keep moving forward!
Thanks Tricia, I was very young and it really shook me up for awhile. Fortunately, I was able to work through it and I hope that this post inspires others that even if it seem challenging now, that one day they too might find ways to feel comfortable traveling again.
I was living in Nairobi at the time of the Westgate attack. I left Nairobi for the UK a week before it happened and arrived back 10 days after, much to my mother’s distress, but it was probably the safest time to be there. Security was sky high and there was an overwhelming sense of solidarity amongst people.
I’m definitely not a person to let such things dictate my life. I’ve travelled to conflict areas for work and I’ve had to undergo safety training, whereby they simulate a kidnapping by ‘Al Shabab’. This was eye-opening and the points I took away from it were to always know your exit points and if worst comes to worst and you’re kidnapped, comply! Stay safe people, but most of all, live your life!
Oh wow, how interesting! I have a friend who is NYPD who caught me and a friend walking down the street one time. He came up from behind and “attacked” us. We screamed like little girls but had no major reflex or response…and then we saw it was him and just let our heart rate slow down a bit. But it was eye opening to have your reflexes put to the test. Many disagree and will advocate for self defense cases, but I’m more likely to just hand over my wallet than fight someone who is trying to harm me. I did have a friend intervene with a pick pocketing on the subway…I was impressed she had the guts to do that!!
I’m glad you won’t let terrorism stop you from traveling. My viewpoint is that if you do, you are letting them win. Keep up the economy with travel!
It’s something I think about often. Anytime I see a backpack on the subway, I stop and think about whether or not i should relocate. It’s not something that will ever go away, but awareness is key. I don’t think I’ll ever stop traveling…maybe just find quieter places. And of course, just last night i was almost struck by one of those reckless bikers disobeying traffic lights going the wrong way on a street!
Great post! Sadly, terrorism is a part of life for people who travel and for those that stay home. Fear is the last thing we should be giving in to.
I wish I could help my mom. She is definitely afraid to visit big cities, but I am happy that she’s still willing to travel to other more local destinations. She’s doing Colorado instead of NYC this year. One day I might get her back here. I’ll probably need to have a baby or something, though!
Wow I can only imagine how that really feels. I was in jr high living in Upstate NY when the Twin Towers fell and even from miles away the school was somber. For a good week or so there was a cloud of hopelessness and fear that hung over everyone. While I respect those who say it’s safe to travel and go about their business in Europe, I do fear about the increasing frequency of these things.
I hear you Sarah, It’s a tough personal choice. I’ve accepted that there is a risk, and I think that’s an important first step. It definitely changes how I travel and plan trips, but for now I am still on the go.
I’m glad that you didn’t allow the threat of terrorism stop you from traveling. I lived in England when the prospect of IRA bombings was very real. I lived in a town that had had one. I definitely developed an awareness of the possibilities, and prepared myself to pay attention, particularly in big public events, but otherwise, it didn’t stop me from exploring. 9/11 challenged that for me — I used to work off of Wall Street, but was already living in LA when it happened. Still, I kept going. There is simply too much good and beautiful in the world not to try. 🙂
No matter where your are when these things happen, it really takes you back. I’m glad you were able to live through your experiences and continue appreciating the good and the beautiful.
I loved reading this post because it is something I have thought about a lot over the years. I love traveling and the fear of terror attacks never crossed my mind 10+ years ago. When I go to LAX or any other large airport, I wonder if something might happen. I think about this and all the other “what ifs”, but it hasn’t stopped me from traveling. I do take precautions and try to be aware of my surroundings 🙂